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Merritt

A first draft opening by Lorne Laliberte

Foreword:

This is the original opening I wrote for the story of Merritt and Ariel that I'm currently rewriting. The setting has changed (the story is no longer set on another planet) and it now opens in medias res, with Ariel and Merritt already performing the mission that sets up the story situation (Ariel is the pilot of a hover-capable jet aircraft, Merritt is the 'weapons officer' for want of a better term).

While looking for insight in my old notes I found this first draft of the opening and thought it was too bad no one would ever get to see it.

Merritt

© 1992 Lorne Laliberte

"Nothing returns but what is given. Nothing is truly given unless it causes pain."

Merritt closed the book around his fingers, and laid his head back against the wall. The soft husk of the sapha wood was damp and cold; he thought of closing the window to keep out the rain. No, he needed the green smell of the forest, blowing into the shack in gusts that battled his candle's tiny flame. He needed something from outside to remind him he was not alone in this strange world, that the wind and the rain were the same here as anywhere. To remind him that there was life, that living things could thrive, even with Ariel so near.

She is only human, he thought in her defense. More human than anyone else on the base, besides himself. It was this link to her that frightened him -- all that he saw in Ariel, all that he hated so much about her, must as surely exist within himself. That he did not see it in himself meant nothing; Ariel was a reflection of his potential, and he did not know how to live with that part of being human in him, somewhere.

It would be good to be alone for a few days. He looked at Ariel's bags, stacked neatly beside the crude wooden door. How many days leave would he waste before he managed to stop thinking about her?

He lifted the book, and opened it from around his fingers. "Pain is holy, but only when it is your own."

The door swung open, wildly, on the single hinge that held it to the wall. The wind seemed to leap from the window above Merritt, spraying the small table and bed beside him with rain.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ariel demanded, pausing only to force the door back into place before slamming down the plastishield window. She stood above Merritt with rage in her eyes, and he knew instantly that she wasn't going to leave.

"Didn't they give you your leave?" he said, keeping his eyes on the book's white pages.

"Yes, they gave me all the seven days. But I took them back."

Merritt looked away from the book, and matched Ariel's icy stare. "You what?"

"I took them back. They wouldn't give me transport off the base. Not even a damn jumpship ride." She waved her hand angrily at the insects flapping around the ceiling. "Why was the window open, Trezzel? Does it take that much fucking intelligence?"

"Ariel," he said, slowly, levelly. It was all he dared say to her.

"Don't start with me Trezzel. I'll talk the way I fucking like." Her eyes lowered to the book, still held open in Merritt's stable grasp. "You're still reading the same book."

Did he have to read fast just because he could? "I'm taking time to enjoy it."

"What's to enjoy? The halfers aren't likely to teach us anything."

Afterword:

I really like the first three paragraphs. They establish Merritt's character through his fear or loathing of Ariel, giving us a hint of the conflict to come, and polarizing the characters along Merritt's point of view.

The following paragraphs don't feel right, though. Ariel is too vocal, too temper-tantrum-ish. She should be colder. Once she arrives she doesn't seem ominous anymore, she just seems childish, like a bully.

I rewrote this opening many times, but I didn't get many pages further than this original attempt. I kept running into that terrible "what next?" that comes when you don't have either an ending or a theme to guide the story on. Since then I've figured out both. Wish me luck!



Introduction / Flight of Freedom / For Paranoia / Horse and War / Ingood Steed / Interviewing Ariel / Jack and Jill / Merritt / The Experimnent / The Fighting 5634th

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Last modified: November 15, 2003
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